


of waves and shaking hands

by aminami



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Drowning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentions of Kaoru's mother, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Porn with Feelings, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 20:07:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13771575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aminami/pseuds/aminami
Summary: "We’re both drawn to the deep unknown, you and I. Not because it’s dangerous or unfamiliar. It’s the silent familiarity of the salty air and waves that we stupidly hold on to. It’s the faces that we see when we look into the dark waters."Kanata and Kaoru rediscover their love for the sea while unwanted memories come floating back.





	of waves and shaking hands

**Author's Note:**

> The first story I wrote after a taking very long break, and my first story for this fandom. Please forgive me my mistakes and oversights.

It’s in the weight of his hands, trading carefully and perpetually throughout the heavy waves.

 

The water instead of embracing him, escapes, slipping through his fingers unwelcoming and cold. The sea is shaking around him with fear or anger, like a parent whose child is in danger and they’re unable to help.

 

And yet, the feeling of water filling his lungs is not threatening, but rather welcoming. The expected cold never comes; instead his body is warm, warmer than it has ever been. At that point, he realizes that all this time walking the solid ground, he’d been cold. It’s a chill night somewhere above him, but in this moment he can swear, he’s bathing in the sunlight.

 

And yet the truth remains harsh and unforgiving.

 

Kanata is drowning.

 

The word has always made him scrunch his nose in disgust. Drowning sounded threatening, fatal. Only used as a warning in the mouth of his teachers and teammates. Even as the silence is ringing in his ears now, he can hear Chiaki’s worried voice telling him to never visit the beach alone. Kanata would pet his hair then, shaking his head. He’s not coming to the beach, he’s coming home. How could he possibly be in danger in the Mother Ocean’s tender embrace?

 

His eyes and mouth are wide open, and he realizes he’s laughing accepting the salty waters without any hesitation. It’s as if his body decided to shut down all of its natural instincts. The useless hands and legs remain unmoving, as if rid of any muscles. Maybe, there’s something wrong with him, maybe, his body is unwilling. Or maybe, it’s just the way it’s supposed to be.

 

Kanata’s thoughts seem scattered now, one chasing the other, in a pace he cannot comprehend.

 

‘Your mind is so slow’, Kanata’s mom would always say. ‘It truly is shameful.’

 

Kanata’s mom is beautiful, the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. It must have made her really angry to give birth to someone that didn’t match her expectations. Her only son, her only hope in this world turned out to be everything but perfect. She really must have been uncomfortable looking at him, Kanata often finds himself thinking, the way beautiful people feel sad and unsatisfied when gazing upon this world’s ugliness. ‘Beautiful people shouldn’t use ugly words, ’she’d often chide him. But it’s because Kanata’s ugly inside and out that she can never use beautiful words when talking to him. It’s all because of his personality, she says. A monster child he’s always been.

 

"It’s okay, mom," Kanata would answer. "My _real_ mother is responsible for everything you dislike. This is not your fault."

 

His numerous flaws only matter _above_ anyway. _Down here_ he’s like a child of a god.

 

And maybe it’s just this power that he has down there that keeps him from dying.

 

And just like that, just when he feels himself close to _something_ , it’s being torn away from his grasp. He feels a horrible pain in his chest, as his body, cold and shaking breaks the surface of the water. He can hear a terrible ringing in his ears and he realizes someone’s screaming, perhaps his name, perhaps nothing in particular. His throat is burning and he tries coughing, water suddenly like a poison, or perhaps the air has been poisonous all along. He vaguely feels someone haul his limp useless body to the shore and Kanata feels anger building up under his skin, just as his back hits the hard sandy surface.

 

“Are you out of your mind?” The voice continues to yell at him. “Can you speak? Answer me!”

 

“S-stop,” Kanata whimpers, coughing. “T-too loud. Please shut up. I… I need to go back.”

 

There’s a moment of silence and the hands touching him move away.

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use such a language, Kanata-kun.” The voice sounds angry, loud, too loud. And then it becomes quieter, pleading:

 

“Please open your eyes. Can you do that for me?”

 

“Don’t want to. I’m sleepy.”

 

“So you’re going to be difficult, ey? Well, I guess you leave me no other choice.”

 

Kanata protests weakly, but the person ignores him and lifts his limp body with ease.

 

“You’re lighter than I remember,” The voice doesn’t sound worried or angry anymore. It’s simply stating a fact. “Have you been eating properly?”

 

Kanata buries his face in the person’s chest. He takes a deep breath and it hurts, hurts more than breathing under water. As always, the world above only brings him pain. The smell he feels though is familiar and in a way, comforting. He realizes he’s yet to open his eyes and when he does, he sees familiar light hair a few inches away from his face, almost tickling his nose. And above a starry sky, deep and dark like the abyss. The night sky scared him more than anything in the world, and he clenches his fist pulling at the boy’s shirt.

 

“Kaoru-kun,” he says slowly, the name coming back to him upon sensing the familiar smell.

 

“Mmm?”

 

“Please take me back _home_.”

 

He puts some weight on these words, costing him more effort than expected. He starts coughing and when he stops Kaoru is still not speaking.

 

“No,” Kaoru says firmly. “You shouldn’t go back there for a while. Can you promise me that?”

 

Kanata starts humming something under his breath without a clear response, but Kaoru chooses to read it as an agreement.

 

And then he falls asleep, or maybe passes out, Kaoru’s smell clouding his shattered mind.

 

* * *

 

When Kanata wakes up, he finds himself lying on a couch in a strange living room that he can’t bring himself to recognize. He might still be out of it, or perhaps…

 

“I took you to my house,” Kaoru confirms, entering the room carrying a bundle of clothes under his arm, and a cup of tea in his hand, setting both on a small table. He moves then to sit by Kanata’s feet, not exactly touching him, but his warm presence still invading Kanata’s personal space. “I figured you might not want your parents to be involved, and there’s no one here today except for me anyway. So now you’re here.”

 

Kanata smiles then, no longer feeling angry and pats Kaoru’s head.

 

“Thank you, Kaoru-kun. For always taking care of me.”

 

“I never did much taking care of you,” Kaoru says truthfully. “You shouldn’t get used to it, cause I’m not good at it either.”

 

Kaoru seems guarded, choosing his words carefully, as if in a presence of a stranger.

 

“I’m running a bath for you, it should be done soon. In the meantime you should drink your tea. It’s nothing special but… I’ve never been much of a tea fan.”

 

“Don’t like _warm_ water,” Kanata scrunches his nose. “Kaoru-kun should know.”

 

“Well, I don’t like you acting like a selfish brat, so I guess none of us will be satisfied.” Kaoru eyes him carefully, but his gaze seems softer now.

 

“Can you stand?” He asks.

 

“Yes, Kaoru-kun,” Kanata sighs standing up, feeling the pain in his body slowly catching up to him. “Even people like _me_ can use their feet, even if it is harder for us than _some_.”

 

At the same time, Kanata realizes he is slightly less wet than he remembers being and pulls at the sweater he is currently wearing. It’s black, definitely not his style and feels funny, but it’s dry and warm. He doesn’t recall putting it on but it has the same familiar smell. He feels dizzy all of a sudden and Kaoru must have noticed, cause he moves, as if to help him, when Kanata sits on the floor next to me, but ends up lowering his arms.

 

“Kaoru-kun had a performance today,” Kanata states instead of asking. His mind is still all over the place, more so than usual, and he can’t help but pinch his own skin to see if he’s still _here_.

 

“Mhm, you promised you’d come,” Kaoru answers calmly, but his eyes never leave him, watching. “You should apologize for worrying me and Souma-kun. He was waiting for you as well, you know.” There’s no hint of anger in his voice. It makes Kanata happy. He would hate for Kaoru to raise his voice again, loud noises reminding him of the forbidden memories, far, far away. Kaoru’s desperate cries slowly fade away from his memory and Kanata allows himself to breathe.

 

Kaoru hands him a towel and when Kanata just stares at it numbly, he sighs and gently dries his hair. Kaoru’s touch is gentle, gentler than anyone’s he’s ever known, even Chiaki’s, and Kanata is grateful. He murmurs something about Kanata’s hair getting long and his hand stays on his head a bit longer than Kanata finds it necessary, so he moves away.

 

“Enough,” he says. “If you rub it too much, I’ll _vanish_.”

 

“You’re such a pain in the… What does it even mean?” Kaoru sighs. “Whatever. Here.” He moves to stand up and throws a pair of sweatpants and a fresh shirt in his general direction and Kanata watches them fall to the ground, blinking.

 

“You’re supposed to catch,” Kaoru hands him his clothes, this time sounding more tired than angry. “Geez, I know, you almost drowned today, but help me out here.” And then he eyes him again, hesitating. “I should try and make us some food. The bathroom is upstairs, so just make sure to come back and tell me when you’re done.” Kanata’s silent for some time and Kaoru’s already in the doorway when he speaks again.

 

“It’s because I’m _slow,”_ He turns around and finds Kanata staring at nothing in particular, his fist lightly gripping the shirt he gave him. “Kaoru-kun should know. I am _very_ slow.”

 

Kaoru realizes he should leave as soon as possible, get away from those seeking eyes, his own emotions threatening to take over. It always happens, it’s why he’s never been able to stop himself from talking back to his dad. He just can’t stop himself from speaking when he feels it’s all _wrong_. Before he knows it, he’s on the ground next to Kanata again and slowly pulls his chin up with just the tips of his fingers to make Kanata look at him.

 

“You’re not slow,” he says, each word heavy on his tongue. “Look, I’m not gonna sweet talk you, cause you and I, and all the girls I tried to flirt with all know I’m actually really bad with words. And I’m never gonna claim I know what’s going on in that head of yours. But just because you think differently, it doesn’t mean you’re slow.”

 

“I am slow, but it is _fine_ , Kaoru-kun. I’m not slow when I’m _home_. But on the land my thoughts are _heavy_. ”

 

“I don’t know exactly what you mean, but… This is your home now.” Kaoru ruffles his hair and Kanata makes a sound in a protest. “So you’d better learn to start walking using your own two feet.”

 

He takes Kanata’s hands into his own to pull him up. Kanata’s avoiding his gaze now, slight pout apparent on his lips, and Kaoru can’t help but chase after these big green eyes. Kanata gives up eventually, peering at him through his eyelashes, and suddenly the air around them changes. Just like that, Kaoru’s guard is broken and he fully realizes they’re alone together in an empty house for the first time in their lives. He swallows but his own actions seemed slow and somehow involuntary, like in a dream. He uses his thumb to brush a few stray hair from Kanata’s face and lets his hands stay there, cupping his cheeks.

 

“I think your bath is ready. I’ll show you to the bathroom,” he says, keeping his voice down as if someone could overhear them.

 

“Kaoru-kun said it’s upstairs,” Kanata’s shaking his head, moving away from Kaoru’s grasp. “Kaoru-kun doesn’t have to treat me like a _child_ , just because he pities me.”

 

“I could never pity you, Kanata-kun.”

 

And just like that, Kanata feels long arms wrapping themselves around him. They’re almost the same height, but Kaoru feels so much smaller now, burying his face into Kanata’s shoulder.

 

“Don’t scare me like that again,” Kaoru whispers. “I don’t know what to do when I’m scared. Not if it’s you.”

 

Kanata doesn’t touch him, but he lets himself be held, humming something, as if to help Kaoru calm down. He moves to face him, their noses almost touching.

 

“Take me to the bathroom, then.” He says into Kaoru’s ear.

 

And yet, it’s Kanata who takes his hand, leading him towards the stairs, finally coming to a stop on the corridor, right next to a window, the moonlight shining through it. No one moves to turn on the light; they simply stand there staring at each other in the quiet lunar presence. Kaoru knows he should leave, his body ready to escape, but at the same time something in Kanata’s gaze keeps him grounded and unable to move a muscle. He should feel like a prey cornered by an animal, but as he looks into Kanata’s eyes he realizes, he’s not scared at all, and just the thought makes his body relax. Kanata ends up rewarding the change with a smile.

 

Kanata pulls off Kaoru’s sweater, and lets it fall to the floor, none of them picks it up. Kaoru must have made a sound, because Kanata’s giving him a puzzled look, cocking his head slightly to the side.

 

“Is Kaoru-kun disgusted? Because it’s me?”

 

There are words he wants to say but can’t get himself to open his mouth. He gets closer then to take Kanata’s hand and presses it to his lips, hoping it will be enough convey the message.

 

_It’s because it’s you. It’s because it’s you I’m not disgusted._

 

Kanata must have understood, cause he takes his clothes off then, easily and without thinking. Kaoru thinks he can see Kanata’s lopsided smile once the shirt falls to the floor, but then he turns around and removes his pants and underwear with a single push of his hands, and Kaoru’s no longer looking at his face. His gaze wanders to the gentle curve of his ass, his bony, too bony, spine, and finally his beautiful legs that seem much longer than he recalls them being, almost inhuman in the moonlight.

 

He half expects Kanata to playfully ask him to come ‘bubble, bubble’ with him the way he always does, but Kanata doesn’t say anything and moves to open the bathroom door, and Kaoru realizes that Kanata simply _knows_ he will go after him anyway. And so he does. He follows Kanata into the room and lets the hands, the hands that are not his own, undress him and touch his naked skin with such care as if he was one of the sea creatures Kanata loves so much. They’ve never been naked in front of each other, but it feels natural and almost comforting. The arousal is barely present, it’s somewhere in the back of his head, and building up beneath his skin, and he realizes that the air is hot, too hot, cause oh, apparently they’re close now, breathing each other in. Kanata lets out a tiny moan, pulling Kaoru even closer and petting his hair until they both calm down.

 

“If it’s Kaoru-kun, I want everything,” Kanata whispers and Kaoru nods mindlessly.

 

They go into the bath together, touching each other all over, but never sexually. He focuses on rubbing Kanata’s skin instead, the coldness finally giving in to warmth, and his hands settle on the skin of his back, washing it carefully as if afraid of breaking him. Kanata moves closer, leaning towards the touch, the back of his head resting on Kaoru’s shoulder, as Kaoru’s hands move to his chest and hips. Kanata’s pale shoulder is just beneath his lips, and he can’t help but suck on the skin there, moving up to bite on his neck gently, and oh, it really becomes sexual then, and Kanata makes a noise rubbing his ass against Kaoru’s hardness.

 

“Not here,” Kaoru says and Kanata pouts, for the second time that night, only this time, Kaoru doesn’t ignore his needs and kisses it away, pressing his lips to the corner of Kanata’s mouth. He thinks of all the time the kissed, in rush or hiding, never letting it go overboard, Kaoru always brushing it away, but not this time, not when they’re finally alone together.

 

“Don’t worry, I’m not letting you go. Not after seeing you like this.” He says to convince Kanata, but mostly himself.

 

They stand up together, Kaoru reaching for the towels, drying both of them carefully, and Kanata makes the cutest impatient noises, and oh, he’s kneeling in front of Kaoru now, licking his hard length, and even though the sight of Kanata looking up at him like that is enough to drive him crazy, he pushes him away, as if to say, no, today is about you. He takes his hand, pulling him impatiently towards his room.

 

The moment Kaoru’s knees hit the mattress he forgets, he forgets his own fears, he forgets his family name, his own expectations of himself, his failed promises. It’s in that moment that he finds himself bewildered, not because Kanata is a boy and in his bed, but because Kanata is right in front of him, and he’s the most beautiful sight Kaoru’s ever seen. It’s just enough to touch his skin, to run his fingers through Kanata’s damp hair, just enough to watch his chest lifting with heavy sighs. He kisses his skin, but never his lips, so Kanata does it for him and it’s not a sloppy, distracted kiss he would expect of him. Kanata’s lips are gentle and maybe just a little curious, exploring his mouth with his tongue and moaning into the kiss.

 

Kanata usually avoids being touched, but not when it’s Kaoru, and not when they’re like this.

 

He doesn’t know where he finds the courage to do things he does, or how he knows how to do them in the first place, almost as if he’s guided by some invisible presence. He spreads Kanata open with his tongue and fingers, and Kanata is loud, so loud that Kaoru can only thank the heavens that his house is empty, but even if it wasn’t, he wouldn’t care, his family be damned, as long as he could make Kanata feel like this. It’s a relief to hear these moans and tiny screams, it makes Kaoru realize that Kanata is really here, he’s alive and safe, and warm, maybe too warm, even feverish, and he knows that no matter how much Kanata begs him to take him from behind, he needs to be looking into these hazy green eyes lost in pleasure, needs to be kissing these red lips, he needs to be marking this body, leaving bruises as he explores the pale skin, he needs to be mapping him, so he never forgets this sight and so that Kanata himself remembers it forever even if one day he’ll be gone without a trace.

 

Kanata’s free hand, the one that isn’t in Kaoru’s hair, is searching his nightstand, and he finds lube, handing it impatiently to Kaoru, and he fingers him properly then, clumsy and inexperienced, but Kanata doesn’t seem to mind, begging him to hurry and fill him up. He must be making something right, because suddenly when he moves his fingers, Kanata’s back arches and he gasps with Kaoru’s name tangled somewhere between his moans, and Kaoru can’t help but have these selfish thoughts that he desperately tries to ignore. And as he pushes inside, he moans, loud, hoping that the thoughts will quiet down among the noise.

 

_Has anyone else seen you fall apart like that? Has anyone else’s name left your lips as you moan? Do you trust anyone else the way you trust me now?_

Kanata pulls him closer, as if reading his thoughts, his eyes pleading and no, he wasn’t crying, but there were tears somewhere hiding behind that lust-seeking gaze. He bites on Kaoru’s earlobe and whispers words that are almost enough to take him over the edge:

 

“I-I need,” Kanata gasps. “I-I need Kaoru’s warmth.”

 

It’s all a blur from then, and later on Kaoru will blame the unavoidable fever, but in this moment Kanata seems both below him and above him, his lips reaching places that should be impossible to reach, his nails leaving marks all over Kaoru’s body.

 

His legs wrap around his hips pulling him closer until Kaoru still and comes inside of him, and Kanata’s still hard when he pulls away, his face scrunching in discomfort, and his long fingers wrap around his erection loosely, trying to push himself over the edge.

 

He never wondered, not even once, if he would be comfortable sucking another guy off, but with Kanata sweaty and shivering in front of him, he forgets all his fears and doesn’t even realize, when he’s slapping Kanata’s hand away, licking and tasting, and finally putting Kanata into his mouth, going as far as possible without choking, and suddenly Kanata is pulling at his hair, warning him to move away. But Kaoru doesn’t and swallows all Kanata has to give, the taste not even half as bad as he would expect.

 

There’s always been something inhuman about Kanata, but him coming is a sheer spectacle, his moans musical and sound consuming, his eyes wide open as he arches his back, screaming Kaoru’s name. And then he goes quiet, shaking and covering his face, suddenly weak and ashamed, and then he becomes calm, smiling at Kaoru. He’s like an ocean after a violent storm.

 

He lets his head rest on Kanata’s hip, watching him slowly come down from his orgasm, until he feels these familiar fingers petting his hair and hears Kanata’s voice repeating his name like a mantra. He closes his eyes then, feeling Kanata’s pulse under his chin and feels the pure joy of being alive with another human being, the joy of not being scared, the joy of sharing something so intimate with another person. And then Kanata laughs, the sweetest of sounds, and that makes Kaoru chuckle as well as he kisses Kanata’s hipbone with affection. Kanata starts humming and pulls the covers around Kaoru’s shoulders. The hands come back then, no longer shaking, surrounding him in a warm embrace. Kaoru almost falls asleep, but then Kanata speaks again, making him open his eyes.

 

“I wish you could forget,” Kanata says, the ghost of laughter still present on his face, but no longer in his voice. In that moment his voice is no longer dreamy or far away. It’s the first time Kaoru sees determination in his eyes, as if Kanata decided to abandon his mask. “I wish you could forget about me drowning, everything you know about my family, my home. My _real_ home.”

 

Has he always been aware then? Was he not as stuck in his fantasies as they all assumed? Why choose to live the lie then? Why smile, why dance, why sing without a single care? Why then go into the sea? To end the fantasy? Was there truly nothing worth living for? Was the illusion more important than the bonds he made with everyone in Yumenosaki?

 

Kaoru has to admit that he’s never been the person to care about the others. He’s not a bad person, no, of course he’s not. He’s simply focused on his own life, and for the longest time, he never stopped to consider someone as silly as the boy who spent most of his time soaking in a school fountain. Did Souma know? Is that why he always stayed close to his beloved captain? In those times they spent together, has he seen something Kaoru didn’t even care to see? Something that seemed so painfully obvious now?

 

It’s not that Kanata us slow. It’s not that’s always happy and stupidly uncaring.

 

Kanata has always been quiet about his sadness. His silent fantasies kept him alive and yet, permanently trapped inside them, he could never _truly_ be happy.

 

Did the slowness come from the need to pretend at all times to be someone he was not? Was that why he was so drawn to Chiaki’s radiance? Did Ryuseitai’s cheerfulness help to ease his own loneliness?

 

Maybe because Kaoru spent most of his life surrounded by people very vocal about their feelings, he felt himself drawn towards Kanata, who in the end was as quiet as the sea he loved to observe. And yet, just like the sea, he could easily change and become mean, unpredictable.

 

“Why did you go to the beach, Kanata?” He finds himself asking, absent-mindedly drawing meaningless patterns on Kanata’s skin. “What were you trying to do?”

 

He looks up to see that Kanata’s eyes are barely open now, the sleepiness finally catching up to him. However, his smile is still full of energy, as he beams at Kaoru:

 

“I don’t actually know,” he says. “Actually, a lot of the times I don’t really know why I’m doing anything in the first place. I just… do it, Kaoru-kun.”

 

“I’ve always found myself drifting towards nowhere and no one in particular,” he continues, his voice barely audible even in the silence of Kaoru’s bedroom. Even though, he’s right there next to him, Kanata seems miles away, so far that he’s almost like an illusion.

 

“I’m saying that and yet… Tonight I realized that maybe, I know exactly what I want. But I’m just too afraid to have it.”

 

Kaoru looks again at the tired boy in front of him, taking in red flushed cheeks, contrasting with the paleness of the skin. Maybe it’s not him that’s drawn to Kanata after all.

 

If anything, it’s Kanata who in their closeness is looking for something he can’t himself name.

 

Kaoru wants to ask something else, but Kanata stops him, pulling him towards himself and wrapping his legs around Kaoru’s body. They kiss lazily until Kaoru finds himself drifting away. Kanata waits until Kaoru’s breath evens out and whispers into his hair:

 

“Am I like a silly _child_ , Kaoru-kun?”

 

And then, even quieter:

 

“Am I just a _joke_?”

 

* * *

 

When Kaoru opens his eyes, the room is filled with sunlight.

 

It’s not the first time he’s waking up next to Kanata. The first time, it happens by accident, both of them exhausted after cleaning the clubroom. He remembers being really angry, because out of all the times he’d decided to come, he had to choose the exact moment Kanata expected him to do an actual job. He hates cleaning more than anything, it’s always Souma that helps around anyway, but Souma was out sick and Kanata forbade him from coming. ‘You’d get our sea friends sick’, he explained to him and Souma of course, believed every word. Kaoru laughed almost giving it away and Kanata punched him with more strength than he expected.

 

“This child needs _rest_ ,” he hisses, his voice almost like a poison. “Kaoru-kun will help now or I’ll tell Rei to have words with you and give you some _extra_ training.”

 

Kanata, Kaoru found out quickly, could really be threatening if he put his mind to it, and so he found himself unable to say no. As they cleaned, Kanata was humming something innocently the way he always does, but watched Kaoru with a careful eye, not trusting anyone but himself around the water tanks. In the end though, he seemed pleased with Kaoru and Kanata has never been a person who’d withhold praise when it’s due. Once they’ve finished, they both sat on the floor and for some reason, Kaoru found himself talking. About his father, his sister’s marriage, fellow Undead members, the girl he almost dated. It was as if Kanata put him under a spell, yet all that time, Kanata himself hasn’t said a word. He just watched Kaoru carefully, resting his head on his knees, the bangs covering his eyes. At some point Kaoru stopped talking and when he turned to look at Kanata, he found the boy fast asleep. And so he decided to sleep right there, on the floor next to him, even though it was late and both of them should had been heading home. When he woke up, he found himself much closer to Kanata than he remembered being, but they still weren’t close enough to touch. For some reason, he always expected Kanata to be clingy and yet, Kanata was sleeping in a foetal position as if trying to make himself appear much, much smaller. He removed his jacket then and put it around Kanata’s shoulder and left the clubroom quietly, like a thief, disappearing into the night.

 

This time is different.

 

Kanata’s still keeping his knees firmly pressed against his chest, that much hasn’t changed. It’s Kaoru that’s acting odd, seeking warmth and pressing against Kanata’s back. His face is buried in Kanata’s neck inhaling slowly and even though he’s uncomfortable, he’s completely unable to pull away. One time he overheard some first years making fun of Kanata, saying he probably smells like algae and salt. And yet, most often Kanata has a faint flowery scent and perhaps it’s the smell that stops him from moving.

 

It reminds him of his mom.

 

Kanata once said he remembers Kaoru coming to the aquarium with his mother and in his head, he pictures a small blue-haired boy even though he doesn’t actually recall meeting him before joining Yumenosaki. The memory of his mom and the fake memory of Kanata mix together in his mind, connected like strings of fate by the same flowery scent.

 

Kaoru thinks of that clubroom as well, dark with only light source being fish tanks giving off weak, eerie light. That room, that special room, where they shared all their firsts: their first touch, their first brief kiss, their first tears.

 

Now with the sunlight peering through the curtains, Kaoru suddenly feels safer than he’s ever been, even if someone were to walk in right now, Kaoru knows he’d die a happy man.

 

They’re both sticky and looking at Kanata’s peaceful asleep face, Kaoru feels the urge to check on him, do something, but he’s not himself sure what to do. The urge to care for someone else, someone other than him, or his sister, feels alien, but it’s not a thought, he realizes, he can easily shake off. He settles on feeling Kanata’s forehead, and it’s warm, but not too warm, and once again Kaoru ponders if Kanata is even human. He lets his hand fall to Kanata’s cheek, and finds himself looking at the long naked body in front of him. In the sunlight bruises seem even more apparent, contrasting with the pale skin, but at the same time, Kaoru feels a mix of guilt and relief, knowing that all the marks were left by him last night and Kanata himself is unhurt after yesterday’s adventure.

 

Kanata stirs in front of him, body stretching, but eyes still not exactly open. He looks at Kaoru, eyes half-lidded, but awake, and his face scrunches up in discomfort.

 

“Are you…?”

 

“I’m just sore, Kaoru-kun.” Kanata’s smile is bright and Kaoru decides to kiss him then, and Kanata goes pliant under him, soft noises leaving his mouth as Kaoru rolls his hips against him involuntarily.

 

Kanata’s the one to break the kiss and Kaoru rests his head on his chest, relaxing when he feels Kanata’s long fingers playing with his hair, the way they always do.

 

“We should get cleaned up,” Kaoru murmurs and Katana only hums in response, but none of them makes even the smallest attempt to move. Kaoru realizes that it’s the first time that he’s sharing a bed with someone. Sometimes, as a small child, when there was a storm outside, he’d run to his mother’s bedroom and cling to her shaking like a leaf, as she pet his hair, singing him his favourite song, with a voice much louder than thunder.

 

Bu that was a long time ago and t he’s basically an adult now and just shared an intimate night with someone dear to him. And yet, he doesn’t feel mature at all, wondering if there’s anything at all he should say or do, and if anyone ever knows what to say after sex.

 

Does Kanata know?

 

The question bugs him enough that he almost says it out loud, but before he does Kanata interrupts him.

 

“Thank you… For making _someone like me_ feel special last night.”

 

Kaoru almost laughs, but instead he settles on biting Kanata’s skin playfully, to which he reacts with the cutest yelp.

 

“There’s no need to thank me,” he says when Kanata calms down. “I had fun.”

 

_It meant something to me too._

 

“If anything you should thank me for saving you.”

 

Kanata looks serious all of a sudden and bites his lip. A nervous habit, one that Kaoru noticed but Kanata himself is probably unaware of.

 

“Kaoru-kun… Did you really _save me_ last night?”

 

Kaoru says nothing, so Kanata changes the subject.

 

“Kaoru-kun is worrying.”

 

“Oh?”

 

So he’s being observed too.

 

“Kaoru-kun isn’t easy to read,” Kanata continues with a smile. “But even someone like _me_ , can sense things about _humans_.”

 

He doesn’t feel like talking, not right now, but just like that night in the clubroom, there’s something in these green curious eyes that makes him open his mouth, and the words come out almost involuntarily:

 

“I guess, after last night I was wondering… Is there… someone else?”

 

Kanata looks puzzled at first and then, when realization hits him he raises his eyebrows, just a bit surprised, but not at all offended.

 

“Is Kaoru-kun jealous?”

 

“No,” Kaoru says, and only when he says it out loud, he realizes that he’s telling the truth. “I don’t think I am. I suppose I just… I want to know where your heart is. To make sure no one will get hurt.”

 

Kanata smiles then and moves to sit on Kaoru, taking his hands into his own.

 

“My silly Kaoru-kun,” he says. “Monsters like me don’t get hurt. But we’re not meant for loving either. Kaoru-kun would do better putting his feelings elsewhere.”

 

Kaoru doesn’t know what to say to that. He never said, not even to himself, that he might have feelings for anyone at all. But in Kanata’s patient smile, the cock of his head, the gentle fingers caressing his hair, he finds it to be true. There’s a question somewhere in the back of his head, but just as he starts opening his mouth, Kanata answers the silent question.

 

“I don’t think my _feelings_ should matter to you or anyone else.”

 

There’s a childish stubbornness to his words and Kaoru knows he won’t win this fight. Not this time.

 

“Graduation is coming up soon,” he says instead, changing the subject. “I… I was thinking about leaving this place. Far away from my family, everyone really.”

 

Kanata doesn’t say anything to that and smiles gently, letting him continue.

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever had the time to think about who I am, or what I want. My whole life I met people who’d have a plan or some expectation of me already, and I just went along because it’s easy and I’m thick. I actually am, and always been, and idiot. It’s hard for me to make decisions, cause I’m too stupid to make them. I don’t really have any plans or dreams. So what do stupid people do when they don’t know what to do with their lives, but don’t really feel like doing what others tell them to?”

 

“They rebel. They rebel against everything and everyone else, because it’s simple. You just do the opposite of what other people want for you and suddenly you have a purpose.”

 

The words don’t stop flowing, and he doesn’t know what it is, maybe he’s feeling vulnerable after last night, maybe it’s the empty house, or maybe it’s the green eyes watching him carefully that compel him to keep talking, and talking.

 

So he talks his heart out and Kanata listens. He tells him about his sister, his father, even the painful memories of his mother. He tells him he tells him about the Aquarium, and then he even tells him about Kanata himself, describes him as he would to a stranger. He tells him of all their meetings, the songs he sings, about Chiaki, and finally, the fear of losing him to the sea.

 

There’s only a few words he leaves unsaid, so they hang in the air, heavy and uncomfortable, making Kaoru feel just a bit breathless.

 

“You know,” Kanata says when he’s done. “I really do _love_ the sea and all its creatures. And I _love_ our little club. I _love_ sharing my passion with you and Souma, watching you both grow as people right in front of me.”

 

“I think I spend too much time with Rei,” Kanata continues after a moment of silence, smiling to himself. “But I am _old_ and I can feel the flow of time more and more every single day. You might think we’re the same age, the two of us, but in fact me… The oddballs… We’re different from all of _you_.”

 

“The truth is, I despise _humans_. I despise them with all my _heart_. I despise them for not protecting what’s _truly_ important. I despise humans for hurting other humans, and I despise them even more for destroying things that are not even theirs to begin with. My hatred… My hatred for humanity, it’s why I’m a monster. Why I’ll always be the villain of this story.”

 

“And then after joining this school… Everything changed. Chiaki, Souma, you, my Ryuseitai children, my fellow oddballs… In all of you, I found something that I could never find even among my sea friends. I found emotions. So many of them. Love, sadness, joy, disappointment… Watching all of you grow and care after one another was the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.”

 

“You make it sound like a goodbye,” Kaoru interrupts him. His head feels dizzy from everything he heard, but it’s the one thing he decides the wants to say.

 

“You talked about _graduation,_ Kaoru-kun. Aren’t we all saying goodbye very soon?”

 

“What about you?”

 

“ _What_ about me, Kaoru-kun?”

 

“When we graduate, will you vanish? Turn into sea foam and none of us will ever see you again?”

 

Kanata cocks his head.

 

“Me? Sea foam?”

 

“You don’t have to think about me too much, I’ll be fine, I always am,” Kaoru continues. “But you should think about Souma. Or Chiaki.”

 

“I am here because of Chiaki,” Kanata confirms quietly, not at all puzzled that the name comes up yet again. Kaoru finds it strange.

 

“So you’ve said. Multiple times.”

 

They fall silent, Chiaki’s name hanging heavily in the air. Kanata seems oblivious to the lingering awkwardness, humming something absent-mindedly under his breath.

 

“Chiaki is my soulmate,” he says suddenly, lifting his head from Kaoru’s chest. “Is that what you mean, Kaoru-kun?”

 

“I don’t really believe in soulmates,” Kaoru replies softly. “But if that’s what you want to call it.”

 

“He is my _destined_ person,” Kanata blinks as if trying to understand something. “His _existence_ made my existence possible. His life influenced mine. Isn’t that what a soulmate is?”

 

“But you don’t love him?”

 

“I don’t think I love _people_ the way you understand it, Kaoru.” Kanata smiles gently, suddenly realizing something. “Is that what’s been worrying you lately? Is that why you came after me to the beach?”

 

“I didn’t go there looking for you,” Kaoru says truthfully. “I just… I like the sea too, you know?”

 

Kanata doesn’t look offended, instead he beams, reaching for Kaoru’s hands and squeezing them tightly. Kaoru buries his face in Kanata’s shoulder, breathing in the familiar smell.

 

And there are words, the words he won’t say out loud, not this time. He still is an idiot, after all.

 

_We’re both drawn to the deep unknown, you and I. Not because it’s dangerous or unfamiliar. It’s the silent familiarity of the salty air and waves that we stupidly hold on to. It’s the faces that we see when we look into the dark waters._

 

“Kaoru-kun is not really cross with me,” Kanata murmurs into his hair. “It’s because he loves the ocean as much as I do now. ”

“Yes,” he says, his voice dry. “I really love the ocean a lot.”

 

He slips from Kanata’s grasp, covering his hands with his own instead. They seem weightless and eluding like a faraway dream.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I think it was important to me to talk about Kaoru and Kanata's mothers. Mothers are important.
> 
> I couldn't help but to put a lot of smiling Kanata into this fanfic. He's a sad boy, but he's smile is the most beautiful.


End file.
